Somewhere Between Grief and Gratitude

Sometimes a single moment can hit like a ton of bricks. One such occurrence happened recently while enjoying one of my favorite Netflix shows.

as a history of infertility with multiple miscarriages. The most recent season finds her happily expecting a little girl with her new partner when tragedy strikes again.

In a scene I understand well, she stares at an ultrasound image searching for a fetus that isn’t there, listening for a heartbeat that no longer sounds. That vivid depiction of her grief stopped me dead in my tracks. Tears flooded my eyes and a lump formed in my throat as I relived my own experience.

At that moment, my rainbow baby ambles up to me, babbling something around a mouthful of animal crackers. He was probably somewhat confused as I pulled him into my arms for a tearful hug.

Grief is a funny thing. Your life can move on, and you think, “Okay, I’m all healed up now!” Then something unexpected happens that knocks you off balance -- something as simple as a 30 second clip from a TV show.

I don’t know what my life would look like if my baby had lived. I don’t know who they might have become, or even if they were a boy or a girl.

What I do know is that I have been blessed with two incredible boys that make my world go around. Their smiles light up the room and their giggles spread joy to everyone they meet.

While there are some things, we as humans will never understand, the one thing I hold onto is the knowledge that love is powerful. The love I have for all three of my babies will sustain me on the toughest of days. Even though one of them is no longer with us, the two that I get to cherish every day have a permanent guardian angel watching over them. And that gives me comfort.

I am beyond grateful that I have a house full of love and chaos and the patter of little feet. But I’ll always mourn the one I never got to bring home.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and during this time we honor and remember those we’ve lost. Too many families grieve in silence. If you have walked this path, please know you are not alone.